| Baaaa |
[may the 22nd (3:29am)] |
I know this is an invitation for New Zealander jokes but I love sheep so much. I really don't think there's anything in the world as adorable as little lambs, bouncing around with their long tails. They all look like they're wearing slouch socks and they're so fearless.
Obviously at 3.30am I should be asleep instead of thinking about how cute sheep are but I've got my first cold of the year and it's a goodie. So, no sleep, just sheep.
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| So much food |
[may the 18th (4:41pm)] |
Wow, I clearly forgot how to use LJ. I used to be so obsessed with it but I think Facebook, exams every month, 30 Rock and tons of hamburgers have consumed an enormous amount of my concentration.
My Mum was back for a week which was brilliant. And Em & her fiance were here too. So I spent a couple of weeks going out to eat constantly which is kind of a big thing for me because I'm such a nut about food poisoning & eating food I haven't prepared myself. But oh my god, so much food! I got my hair cut because it was so ratty and damaged but it makes me look like a 1920's flapper or a little boy, I suppose I'll just have to put up with that ick-fest until it grows out a bit.
Two of many delicious dining experiences, a Hungarian restaurant for my Dad's b/day (ohhhhh, goulash!) and our local cafe for dinner where I met two of my 4...stepsiblings, I guess.
( Blarh. Photos. )
Now I have one more exam left of my Introduction to Criminology class, which has been really interesting, and then I start Forensic Psych in June. It just really freaks me out to be studying, possibly wasting money and time when I don't know exactly what I want to do and my anxiety issues make it difficult to even leave the house, let alone get a job with whatever education I may accumulate. I feel so far behind my friends, they're all finishing or have finished degrees, are in positions they've worked to get and are so incredibly functional!
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| How can I organise this modelling agency & still be a good single father? |
[april the 3rd (6:02pm)] |
Boo, just did my first Criminology exam and I'm crying (you know, hypothetically). I only got three questions wrong which I would be okay with in any other circumstance. But it was multiple choice I feel as though one of the questions was a terrible trick! Had I avoided the trap that is "all of the above" I would have got 92. Damn it, man. DAMN IT! I had forgotten how aggressively competitive I was.
And I tossed the Aropax/Paxil which was interesting, really....interesting.....instead of going pill free I'm now on Lexapro, because I started to get a little crazy again. Is anybody on Lexapro? What do you think of it? I've only been on it for about a week but my panic has definitely subsided and I feel more motivated and energetic.
So, what's good in your life right now?
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| Dear Zachary |
[march the 20th (2:25am)] |
| [ |
mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
I just watched the most amazing movie, Dear Zachary: A Letter To a Son About His Father. I watch a lot of documentaries and a lot of them are rubbish and a waste of a time. This one is neither of those things, in fact, I'm watching it a second time as I type this because I got so caught up in the emotional stuff that I missed a lot of the facts (Yes, I was crying like a child).
The filmmaker uses a few tricks that I thought were a little unnecessary, showing Andrew's baby pictures when the parents were talking about seeing his body at the morgue, and some stuff that was really appropriat and heartbreaking, like the narrator's voice cracking when he talked about the worst parts of the case. I'm just kind of amazed that those people are still standing after the shit the world has piled on them.
On November 5, 2001, Dr. Andrew Bagby was murdered in a parking lot in western Pennsylvania; the prime suspect, his ex-girlfriend Dr. Shirley Turner, promptly fled the United States for St. John’s, Canada, where she announced that she was pregnant with Andrew’s child. She named the little boy Zachary.
Filmmaker Kurt Kuenne, Andrew’s oldest friend, began making a film for little Zachary as a way for him to get to know the father he’d never meet. But when Shirley Turner was released on bail in Canada and was given custody of Zachary while awaiting extradition to the U.S., the film’s focus shifted to Zachary’s grandparents, David & Kathleen Bagby, and their desperate efforts to win custody of the boy from the woman they knew had murdered their son.
What happened next, no one ever could have foreseen…
Has anybody else seen it? What did you think? Exactly how disturbed where you by Shirley? Because wow, some of the phone conversations with her are just terrifying.
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| Qutting Aropax/Xanax & feeling....new. |
[march the 8th (4:42am)] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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grizzly bear |
] |
I’m slowly removing my medications from my life and it’s as though I am being reborn, wide eyed and terrified, as a completely emotionally inept 24 year old.
I haven’t felt much since I went onto anti depressants when I was 15. Then I started taking Xanax daily a couple of years ago and somewhere between being unable to distinguish between waking life and my dreams and having some serious problems with my short term memory I decided it might be a good idea to kick that too.
Right now I have resisted Xanax for almost two weeks. At the same time I was quitting benzos I had cut my anti depressant intake in half and the combined withdrawal effects were slightly difficult. There was the fun sensation of my brain shaking in my skull, having uncontrollable muscle spasms where my legs would kick and twitch erratically, lots of nasty nausea and teeth grinding. And some insane anxiety attacks, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and I have an anxiety disorder!
But the scariest part of it all is the emotions.
Why don’t we get warned about the emotions?
My therapist asked me if the feelings were something I could sit with. I imagine them sitting in a circle with me, my resentment, my anger, my fear, my sadness, oh, my sadness. I had forgotten what sadness felt like. I don’t know if I can sit with them. But it is strangely like welcoming some old friends home. I feel like all the things that once made me a real person are coming back. It’s kind of wonderful and kind of terrifying.
Why am I writing about this? Well, I suppose this is like marking where I am on a map. I don't want to get lost again.
Does anybody know what I'm talking about?
Enjoy these songs:
Akron;Family - Many Ghosts
Velvet Underground - Oh! Sweet Nuthin'
Tom Wek - That Can Be Arranged
And this adorable baby otter...
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| I miss tranquilisers |
[march the 6th (4:14am)] |
| [ |
mood |
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 irritated |
] |
They were so soft, so sweet and after 20 minutes I would feel them slowly creep into my limbs and the weight of sedation would pull me back, pull the back of my head away from my face so that I felt as though my brain was suspended in the space between. My inhibitions floated along side me in the thick air. Everything was thick. My tongue felt as though it had expanded to fill my mouth and words could barely fit through my lips. My hands struggled to grasp at a bottle of wine and it spilled across the floor. I didn’t care. I felt as if I might never care again. It was the most beautiful, elating and consuming thought I had ever had. I wanted it to fill every cell of my body. I wanted to be painted by the thought, soaked in it, marinated in it and left in the sun to slowly roast.
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| New bb |
[february the 22nd (3:35am)] |
|
I think I might finally be moving into whatever century we're in. I have waved bye bye to my penny farthing and my big bottle of cod liver oil and today I actually purchased a laptop. I resisted ipods for SO long but I gave in last year and now I've caught up with those crazy kids in the coffee shop with their wireless internet and their twittering and their 2 girls 1 cup (not really, I will never, ever watch that).
I got an Acer eee PC which is basically one step up from a kiddie computer but it's slightly more grown up, it doesn't offer maths games or hangman. It's like a teenager, or maybe even a young adult. And it has a webcam so I can video chat with my Ma. I even named him. My old PC was called Sergio but he died a terrible death. This little guy is called Osvald because he has the blond hotness of a slightly androgynous Swede.
I start my first unit of Criminology on the 2nd of March and I am so excited. The textbook even interests me which is a first, when I studied Literature I ended up using my textbook to keep my door propped open so my cat could get in. So an interesting textbook is a defintate plus.
Urgh, one thing I don't like about Osvald the computer is that the keys are quite small and I type like I'm drunk at the best of times so there's a lot of missed spaces and double letters. And it came with some blogging app that you can link the your livejournal but it's stupid and wouldn't post a picture properly.
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| Black Friday...wooooooo |
[february the 14th (1:46pm)] |
Bahahaha, the start still is quite hilarious and awful.
Presents from Claire, quitting Aropax/Paxil and Xanax, enrolled in a Criminology unit through Open Uni, reading Kingdom of Fear by Hunter S Thompson.
It was intolerably hot last week and this week has been rain, rain and more rain. I don't get it. Is this global warming in effect?
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| Naughty, selfish doll |
[february the 1st (10:44pm)] |
I'm just full of useless entries today.
Why is there a wikipedia page for my lesser childhood hero, Milly Molly Mandy, and not one for the infinately more awesome and evil Naughty Amelia Jane?
Milly Molly Mandy had an outfit and was nice to her parents and shared her things, okay, she had a theme but Naughty Amelia Jane set stuff on FIRE!!!
I just dragged my books out of their zip lock bags (yes, I'm incredibly anally retentive) and I'm actually starting to see where I got some of my ideas from when I was little. Amelia Jane stole a pair of scissors and cut a hole in the curtains, I got told off by my Mum so I went upstairs and cut my curtains in half, thinking they were technically her curtains so I had punished her for punishing me. Basically, Amelia Jane is a doll with severe behavioural issues but she always learns her lesson (for about 4 seconds) and she should have a wikipedia page. If the goody goody losers of The Famous Five can have a page then so must Amelia Jane!
(Now......how does one go about forcing people to create wikipedia entries?)
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| Stun guns |
[february the 1st (6:04pm)] |
| [ |
mood |
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 envious |
] |
Hey Americans.
This one's for you.
You guys can buy stun guns off ebay!!! Did you know that?
So, say, you're walking down the street and there's some gang members holding up a 7/11 or like, an Arab looking like he's going to blow himself to smithereens right there, on the street, Jihad style, you just give him the quick 1 2 and pull out your pink 2.5 million vault stun gun.....
I know I would never have a need for a stun gun but just the fact that I COULD have one is so awesome. And they're cheap! Value for money!
So I was actually looking for a stud gun, the kind you use to put spikey studs in your clothes, and then I saw 'stun gun' as a search option and that got me all flustered. Some of the descriptions are just priceless.
In light of the bad economy and growing concern that your body or personal property will be vilolated , many people have turned to using a gun but the problem in that is it can cause more harm or danger because the person isnt properly trained .The end result the criminal make take the gun from you or you do more harm to yourself. So the sensible alternative is people have turned to other self defense systems. so the self defense society has provided us with the stun gun. so there is light at the end of the tunnel
Very powerful and loud discharge will surely scare away any potential attacker. This is a great weapon to make sure you enter and/or leave the coin show with confidence.
Yes, the sensible alternative to having your gun taken from you is to have your stun gun taken from you. I will never enter the coin show with a lack of confidence again! Take that, potential attacker.
PS. Look at all the other awesome stuff you can buy!!!!
A pink pepper spray gun!
A pen that sprays mace. And also writes.
Bear Spray!
A kit for cats to survive natural disasters
Okay, maybe this is only funny to people who can't buy guns on ebay...
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| Long long long post |
[january the 27th (11:08pm)] |
I'm really obsessed with that VH1 show Sober House (also Celebrity Rehab) and waffle cones right now. Waffle cones, as in the edible kind, not some crazy new name for drugs like snowcones or something. Steven Adler, the ex-drummer from Guns'n'Roses, is such a mess. It's so sad, when he was sober he was kind of adorable and reminded me of Mark from Empire Records (Mark = ex heroin addict? Yes? That character's slow cuteness smacks of...well, smack) but he's like an opiate guzzling alley cat on Sober House, pissing everywhere and croaking at people.
I wish I could speak or type at the pace that I am thinking.....boo.
Having my Mum here was amazing and she bought me all kinds of wonderful treats. I went to her hotel on the first morning she was here and was kind of shocked by how perky and unaffected she was by the jet lag. It was wonderful seeing her, she's even smaller than last time I saw her because she got Rameses Revenge when she went to Egypt.
So we went to the ( Botanical Gardens ) as an after dentist reward (haven't been in 7 years & don't need anything done, woo!!!) and there were bats hanging from every tree, screeching and squealing and flatting their batty leather wings.
I felt like all I did was say the word "I", "me" and "my". I have so many thoughts that I've needed to expell from my brain, I could have talked forever. I felt so selfish and guilty but completely overjoyed to be able to talk to my Mum again. Face to face.
One of my resolutions for the new year is to not use chemical dye in my hair. Another is to use the word "I" less often.
And Elayna was back from Italy so we went to Cabana which is within stumbling distance from my house. And I really did stumble.
( Oh holy night )
Okay, and then all this time my Dad was in Japan so I had run of the house and the wine stash and hhhheeeellllloooooo little bottle of certain prescription benzos. Amazing.
So then there was a scrabble night...
( Read more... )
And then there was an Australia Day bbq but not on Australia Day. And there were chickens! I grew up with chickens (not as pets....just...as chickens) so it was really fun chasing them around and patting their funny little wobbly mohawks. One of them started pecking at my tshirt (like it was grooming me or something, so weird) and another one tried to dominate me and climbed onto my chest.
That was long.
Sleep now I guess? 5:11am, huh?
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16 Questions from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) theexits |
[january the 16th (9:34pm)] |
Questions here if you're wondering :)
My Mum went back to Dubai on Sunday and my Dad's off to Japan tomorrow. Damn jetsetters.
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| Happy 2009 |
[january the 1st (1:56am)] |
Happy New Year, pumpkins. Hope you have a good one and only have a mild hangover tomorrow...errr, today.
Well, I never posted an 8th thing that makes me happy. So, it's my Mum coming back from Dubai this Saturday. She's here for a week and I can't wait. CAN. NOT. WAIT!
That's my Ma and her new husband on their wedding day. Yes, those are fishing nets.
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| Wow, almost the end of 2008! |
[december the 28th (11:45pm)] |
|
Eartha Kitt died and that sucks because she was so smokey and sexy and slinky. I mostly know her from Batman because they used to replay it in the afternoons in NZ (because apparently NZ is 30 years behind the rest of the world) and we'd watch it at my Grandparents because we didn't have TV because we were all about books and immaaaagination. Anyway, that voice. Oh, I would do just about anything for that voice.
My little brother kept telling me how amazingly hilarious Hot Rod is, so I saw it on sale for $4 (which should have made it's quality obvious to me). I watched exactly 2 minutes of it before I wanted to stab myself in the face with a plastic fork. Maybe you need to be stoned or drunk or generally messed up because I just...I don't know. Seriously, do I need drugs to enjoy Hot Rod? Am I missing something?
( The past few days...pictures )
I have to go to stupid therapy tomorrow. I think I disapointed my therapist last time because I wasn't into it and didn't want to talk about anything and I was like a pissed off, moody teenager with an attitude problem.
I feel like I'm playing the part of a psychologist's client. I have to think of something to talk about for at least 30 minutes tomorrow. Any ideas?
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| 'scuse my anger |
[december the 24th (6:29pm)] |
Taking a break from the happy things posts. Because Christmas is making me rabid with rage.
There is no good reason for the news presenter to announce "Important Breaking News" to let us know that Santa has officially left the North Pole. Especially when the Santa looks like Josef Fritzl. They even had a stupid computer generated flight path mapped with Santa Fritzl flying between skyscrapers and some expert talking about how Santa bends space and time itself.
Maybe I'll just go hang myself with some tinsel or try and slash my wrists with a turkey baster. Christmas is ridiculous.
For I am the Grinch.
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